My dad wasn’t the only family member to send me letters when I was away – he was just the most rude. Mom also sent a steady stream of mail, some of which I saved and some I didn’t. On this one occasion, she asked my brother to send a joint communication:
“June 2, 1990. Dear Mindy, This is a joint venture between your brother Marc and your mother. We decided to write you a letter. But which letter shall we write? A? B? C? or another? Well, Marc said that “yo mudder’s a veg” and “yo dog smells like she’s been rolling in shit.” Your mom hates that word!!!!! It was quoted by your brother, not your mother.
Well, you said not to write a boring letter. We planned a joke on your dad. Your mother baked two batches of cookies. One batch was made with chocolate chips and the other batch with Exlax. But then your mother forgot which batch had the Exlax and which had the chocolate chips. She guesses she mixed them up by accident. Anyway, you were sent some of the cookies. But dont worry both chocolate and Exlax are edible. And Marc said that you are full of Sh–t anyway. Oh mom hates that word again !!!!!!!
Spiker the biker is definitely in heat. We don’t know what we’re going to do with her. She is leaking everywhere and so we can’t let her in and we can’t let her out because of dogs coming around. Spike has more boyfriends than you. Hope we don’t have to board her for two weeks. We’ll call Dr. Gordon tomorrow for a solution hopefully.
Dan is at Camp Barney Medintz. We’ll get his address for you. You can write Dan and Howard since they are both there.
IN THE NEWS TODAY:
- Donald Trump joined the race for governor.
- Marla Maples, Jessica Hahn, Fawn Hall , admitted to forming a corporation dedicated to the exploitation of rich and powerful men. Your bubby wanted to join.
- Your brother is forming a lynch mob to have Richard Simmons removed from television.
- IBM issued a new version of DOS today for use in the inner city. Instead of standard error messages such as “Bad system disk,” “syntax error” or “disk error” the system replaces them with more user friendly comments such as “fuck off you white ass honkey” or “This ain’t no piano keyboard Scroeder.”
- Your cousin Dan is missing, last seen attempting to ride his bicycle around a Moebius strip drinking out of a Klein bottle.
- A cat scan was done on your mom’s head and we found a lot of interesting things including silver plated whistle, a dreidle, a ’68 Plymouth, 6 missing bags of M&M’s and no trace of any nerve tissue whatsoever. PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF YOUR MOTHER (because they CAN)!!!!
- A similar scan of your dad’s stomach revealed the Andrea Doria, Amelia Earhart, the entire passengers and crew of the Titanic, the entire cast and crew of the Love Boat, every Barry Manilow record ever pressed, 500 metric tons of methane in pressure bottles, Susie, Rosemary’s baby, Rosemary’s baby’s lawyer, and Casey.
- Marc was revealed under a complete medical scan to be perfucked. OH WE THINK YOUR FATHER HAS BEEN PLAYING WITH THE SPELL CHECKER!!
We are glad you’re having such a good time!
Mom and Marc”
I would like it to be known, before the whole internet, whose letters to me, aged 16, contained the most foul language – my mom’s. She’s been complaining since before I was born about my dad’s prolific use of four-letter words – but she’s the one dropping the s-bomb and the f-bomb.
That will be my big brother making the bad joke about Exlax cookies. I will probably have told that story to all my friends, right before we tucked into the cookies, not really believing it, but worrying all the same. Cheers, Marc!